gender disappointment is a real thing

Pooja Mistry
Feb 3
4 min read

Don't think little of me as I share this with you. I had a gender preference before I got pregnant.

I had ALWAYS envisioned my life with a daughter. I have a beautiful relationship with my mum. We have been inseparable. She is my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my advisor- she is literally my world. Even now, when I don't know what to do or feeling rubbish, she is the first person I turn to. (This doesn't mean we don't bicker or have disagreements- it can get pretty heated!) But I know she ALWAYS has my back. She will never let go of me.

And I will never let go of her. When she's not well, I am over. I take the boys and we go and help out. I refused to move out of Leicester because my parents don't have any other children and my mum spent her entire adult life without her own parents (they live in India). I was not leaving her in the ages she'll need me the most.

I love this bond we have. I never had a sister- I am an only child and all my first cousins are boys. I never had a long- lasting friendship with a female friend. I was always surrounded by boys and I really wanted that daughter so I could have the same relationship with her as I did with my mum. But life had other plans.

I remember finding out that Shyam was a boy at the 20 week scan and felt my heart drop into my stomach. I was so convinced on having a daughter, I didn't prepare for a son. Having worked in Perinatal Mental Health and knowing I had a evident gender preference, I knew I needed to find out the gender of my child so I had 20 weeks to get my head around things if it wasn't a girl. I was not prepared for what gender disappointment was going to do to me.

There were so many emotions and questions.

"I should be grateful that I got pregnant when I wanted. Other's struggle"

"Is gender disappointment a real thing?"

"Why am I feeling so sad about this baby?"

"Is this normal?"

"They are going to be Daddy's boys and I'm going to be left out."

The emotions ranged from anger and frustration to relief. I was trying to convince myself of the positives of having a son. I chose not to tell anyone the gender but when people went out of the way to say "that's definately a boy bump" I would want to shout at them.

I mourned my daughter. I mourned the relationship. I was worried that one day my son wouldn't need me and I would be alone.

Alone. One day when my parent's are not here. Alone. Like how I felt growing up as the only child. Alone. Like I felt as being the only female of all my first cousins (who also have a huge age gap with me.)

ALONE.

But slowly I started to get my head around having another baby one day and hoping that maybe that baby would be a girl. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew he was a boy. When we had our 20 week scan, it confirmed it and I cried! HARD.

I was overwhelmed and confused. I didn't know what to do, where to go, who to speak to. I was so afraid of being judged.

I started to reframe how I envisioned my life. I started to think what kind of partners would I have wished for my daughters in the future? That's the kind of person I want my sons to be. What irritates me about Hemant- how can I makes sure the boys don't do that to others (freaking put your shoes in the shoe cabinet- it is there for a reason!)

I couldn't change what is. And my boys deserve me as their mum. But I am also allowed to have time to GRIEVE. It is a LOSS. It is a BEREAVEMENT.

Being a #boymum has been and continues to be a completely new and alien journey for me. Navigating what is 'normal' and how to find a balance between what they want and what I had thought about my parenting journey has been tough but we are figuring it out everyday.

I will always have a hole in my heart and mourn the loss of my daughter, but it doesn't change my relationship with my boys. I love them with all my heart. I cannot see my life without them. And I am so grateful, everyday, that my births allowed me to feel more connected to them. My positive experiences of birth helped me to bond with the boys. And for that, I will be grateful.

Gender disappointment:

It is a real thing.

It does not mean I am not grateful.

It does not mean I love the boys any less.

It does not change how I am with the boys.

Because it is not their fault. It is not my fault. It's a valid feeling that needs to be addressed.

Talking about it helps me to work through the grief.

Talking about it helps to normalise these feelings.

I am grateful to have happy, healthy children.

I am grateful I conceived naturally.

I am grateful I had children when I wanted to.

It doesn't mean I cannot have an emotional response.