7 things never to do/ ask/ say to a new mumma

Being a parent, I found that once I announced my pregnancy I opened my doors to unsolicited advise, judgement and horror stories! Before my son was even born, I felt like others had expectations of me, my body, my birth and my baby. I couldn't even deal with my own anxieties because I felt overwhelmed with the pressures that came from others.

What we say and what we do can directly impact another person- but when a woman is in her most vulnerable time with major hormone shifts and recovering physically, mentally and emotionally from birth things heighten up! In this time, a new Mumma needs comfort, love, respect and support.

Although some people think these are good conversation starters with new parents, you may want to reconsider what you say and how you say it. And if the question does not hold any value in helping the parents, change it up!

Here are my top 6 things to NEVER ask/ say to a new Mumma.

Is she/ he a good baby?

First of all... Can someone please tell me what defines a "good baby"?

My baby cries, feeds and sleeps as a newborn is expected to.

They may not sleep through- but that is not expected of a newborn because it's a biological change that they will adjust to.

They may cry- but that is expected because they have no other means to communicate with us.

They want to be held- but that's expected as they have been held in the womb and heard my heartbeat continuously for 9- 10 months.

They want feeding regularly- well everyone is different and I'm following their cues!

So technically speaking no baby is never not good, yet we feel like if they don't fall into our pattern of life they are not behaving. No love... They are just being a baby. Which leads me onto...

Is your baby in a routine yet?

I'm not sure what time of the day it is let alone time of the week! I'm exhausted, hungry and trying to figure out how to get through today. I am figuring out what each cry means for baby and for me. Routine is not priority unless you notice a pattern with your baby. So if you are asking if I have a routine that fits us- it may be not be ideal but it's working for us.

Sleep when baby sleeps

Oh yes because this makes so much sense right?! At the wheel when I am driving. When I'm out for a walk or shopping. During a mum and baby class.

This has to be one of the worst pieces of advice I have ever heard! It is not always possible to do so and sometimes it's hard to prioritise sleep, catching up on me-time, eating, showering etc and we know the window is not always long (also- who can just nod off immediately please let me know!)

ANYTHING JUDGY about their birth/ parenting choices

For example:

• Did you have a "natural birth"

• Why did you have a Caesarean?

• Why did/ didn't you have pain relief

• Are you breastfeeding

• Why are you co-sleeping

  
  

You get the jist? Please just don't. It's just not helpful for them or for you. If the mum has experienced birth trauma you are just adding to her self- doubt and spiral of confusion so please don't ask such personal questions. And if she does bring up the topic of her birth story- just listen. No advise, no "I would have..." or "why didn't you..." just sit and listen because by her retelling her story, she is trying to work through her trauma and make sense of it.

Pick up, touch or kiss the baby

Without the parent offering you. No matter who you are, what your relationship is, you are not the parent. I know we all love a good cuddle with a newborn (omg the smell!!) but it can be intrusive if the parent is not yet comfortable with it. And don't ask- because they may not feel comfortable to say no and so will oblige out of not sounding rude. Remember that the parent probably needs holding (space not literally) more than baby.

Turning up unannounced

MASSIVE NO GO. And if you message because you're in the area and thought you'd pop in but they haven't responded. DO NOT GO. They may be tired, overstimulated or anything.

Intrusive questions

For example:

• When are you having your next?

• Do you want to try [enter specific gender]
  

The thing is that these questions hold a lot of emotions and to be fair they are also very personal. If the answer is not going to affect you personally- there is no real reason to ask the parent. Just be mindful!

Instead you can:

• Take meals (obviously check in with them first)

• Ask if they need help around the house/ shopping etc

• Listen to them and hold space

• Leave in a timely manner

• Check in without expectations of return

Being a new parent takes a lot from us. Discussing boundaries with our partners, friends and family can help reduce the pressures. Let me know what things were done/ asked or said to you that helped or didn't help in your new parenting journey in the comments below!

Pooja xo