6 things not to say to a caesarean mumma

Let's just start off by setting things straight.

A Caesarean birth is NOT easy.

A Caesarean birth DOES NOT mean you have failed.

A Caesarean birth still means you have birthed your baby.

We are well aware that Caesarean births are on the rise and that the statistics are showing that there is almost a 1 in 2 chance of experiencing one. Yet what I fail to understand is why is there so much negativity around it. I have supported so many women over the years who have either opted for an elective Caesarean birth, opted for a Caesarean part way through labour and women who have had an emergency Caesarean birth as it was the last port of call.

No matter why a Mumma has chosen to have a Caesarean birth, it should be acknowledged that she has just undergone a MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. She has had to lay on a bed, (mostly) awake, immobile, surrounded by strangers who are cutting through 7 layers to birth baby. That is something serious and needs supporting physically, mentally and emotionally.

As a birthing Mumma, she already has expectations of herself- she does not need for you to impose your opinions on her. She does not need you to feel pity for her. All she is asking for is respect.

Respect for her choices.

Respect for her commitment.

Respect of her strength.

So please refrain from saying things that can minimalize her feelings or make her self- doubt her choices. These are some of the most common phrases I hear that NEED TO STOP!

1. That was the "easy way out"

   I don't think so love. It is not "easy" going through a surgery process being awake.

   It is not "easy" to be immobile and unable to hold your baby immediately.

   It is not "easy" to be expected to get up, walk around and care for a newborn baby hours after a major surgery.

   Non of it is easy.

   
   

2. All that matters is a healthy baby

   Erm... I don't think so. Every Mumma wants the best for her baby. Mumma's have been sacrificing so much and put their baby's first, but that doesn't mean that we forget her. She is just as important, Her health and well- being matters too. So stop minimising her experience.

   
   

3. I could never have had a caesarean

   OK then love. Could you please walk on. Because you are not me. You have not lived my experiences. That is not helpful AT ALL. You do you mate. Having a Caesarean is not for everyone, but then again having a vaginal birth is not for everyone. The reason WHY she had a Caesarean is not something she needs to justify to you so just zip it!

   
   

4. "Too posh to push"

   No mate. There's more than that to it and if you can't appreciate it... jog on!

   
   

5. "Oh I'm sorry to hear" (in a pitiful manner)

   STOP!! She doesn't need pity. She needs support. Don't make her feel like shit by condescending her or making her feel like a failure. She is already trying to process so much- she does not need your pity on top of it all!

   
   

6. Why did you not [enter unsolicited advise]

   Because it's not as easy as you have just phrased it. You were not living it. I couldn't have forecasted the future and I am not you. I did what I did in the circumstances I was in. I did what I felt was right for me in the time. I do not need to you judge me.

I'm not saying that you don't mean well and most are simply ill-informed, but also be mindful that what you say to a Caesarean Mumma could add guilt, sadness, anger and fear to their experience. What I am asking is that you are mindful of what you say and how you say it. Think about her, her physical recovery, her mental state and things she may already be experiencing.

Instead, you may want to check in on her. How is she... and listen. Just sit and listen. Even if she tells the story over and over again. Listen. Don't minimise what she said. Just acknowledge and respect. Let her grieve if she needs, let her shine if she needs. Your opinion on her birth DOES NOT MATTER. She needs to feel loved and understood.

All a Caesarean Mumma is asking for is respect. The respect that in the time, she made a choice that she felt was right for her and her baby. That doesn't make her any less of a Mumma to anyone else because it took a lot of strength and bravery.

To all the Caesarean Mumma's out there. I salute you. You will always have the upmost respect in my heart! I see you, I hear you and I am here for you.

Pooja xo