Pregnancy loss at any stage is difficult. It can change you forever. It brings up feelings and emotions which are OVERWHELMING & CONFUSING. Hard is an understatement for the times that follow a pregnancy loss and NO ONE will ever know what you are going through.
It can be so ISOLATING even when you are surrounded by so many people. You feel LOST.
I know because I WAS THERE. For months I went in between CRYING to bursts of RAGE and ANGER. I lost myself. I didn't know who I was and it was KILLING ME INSIDE. I felt so ALONE. I felt WATCHED but not seen. People would notice the change but no one would look beneath. No one would notice the emptiness within.
Other's are quick to judge, get the gossip; but no one wants to look at you. The all eyes on you but no one actually seeing you or walking with you is difficult. What made it more difficult for me was having my boys. They still needed their Mumma. They still needed me. And although I felt like I was in the darkest depths of grief, they needed me to pull through for them.
I sought both medical and holistic therapy for my experience. The holistic therapy was talking therapy and a womb wrapping ceremony which was what I really needed. A safe space to express myself wholly and completely without the fear of judgement. A safe space where I cried for over 2 hours and released what arose. It cannot bring back what I have lost but it allowed me space to work with myself physically and emotionally.
After my pregnancy loss, I felt different. My body felt different. My monthly periods were different. I felt OK for 1 week out of 4 but otherwise felt emotional and bloated nearly all the time. I noticed that my breasts were always tender- similar to when I was breastfeeding. I am nauseous most of the time and averse to food. I struggled with Hyperemesis Gravidarum with both pregnancies so the nausea was bringing back flashbacks of that. My periods are heavier- I feel like a constant tap and I clot the size of an egg- worse so, with each one I feel contractions before they come. And when I’m not on my period, I have random fluttering. What was my body doing to me?! It felt like my body was experiencing a phantom pregnancy. I sought medical support and was diagnosed with adenomyosis. I was told there was a small rupture in the wall of my uterus and it was growing into my uterus wall which was causing my uterus to expand and inflame.
Great. So after experiencing a loss, my body every month mourns my loss with me.
Every month I experience contractions on and off for 5 days.
Every month I am reliving my loss.
Every month I just want to shut myself away and hibernate for a week.
Treatments are limited and it was either a hormonal tablet (which could also impact my mental health) or if it worsens to have a major surgery. Neither of which feel right for me or my body. It has and is already going through so much. I need to allow it time to heal. I need time with my body.
Sometimes it feels like life throws everything at you and you feel alone.
I wish I had someone I could have turned to, but it wasn't that way for me. So I am here, for you. To remind you that no matter your experience. You are not alone. I am always here to listen. To walk with you until you feel you can continue.
Pooja xo
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